Hello internet, my trusty confidant.
It is currently 1:30 AM as I’m writing this.
It’s been a couple of minutes since I cried my heart out whilst watching The Sky is Pink.
It has been a very overwhelming couple of hours, to say the least.
I’ve been quite despondent this past week. Do I have a reason for this despair and sadness that I’ve been wallowing in? Well, to tell you the truth, I’m not entirely sure.
Something I have realised is that this darkness I’ve been wallowing in is definitely in a tiny way because of some of the fears that somehow slip into my thoughts every day.
I do not call upon these thoughts intentionally. I try to block them out and distract myself from them as much as possible but because it is 1:30 AM and these fears have been amplified in my head, I decided to list out these fears for you.
To start off lightly, I am scared of birds. I do not know why but I cannot be within a foot of a bird. Just the other day, a couple of my friends, being the angels that they are, were trying to help out a pigeon with a broken leg. I walked into the room they were in, unbeknownst to what they were doing, and when I did see the bird and realised what was happening, my heart rate shot through the roof, at least, that’s what it felt like. I love these friends to bits but there was nothing I wanted more than to get out of that room. I want to be that person who is always ready to lend a helping hand, even if it is a critter like the one in the room, but I just couldn’t. I wanted to run out of the room, and that is exactly what I ended up doing. I wasn’t proud of it, but I still did it, because I was so scared, so overcome with fear. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else.
I am scared of not being enough. I am so lucky to have people around me who always reassure me otherwise, but you know how sometimes you cannot bring yourself to believe them. No matter how many times a person may try to help you, it will only work when you tell yourself that it's going to work and open yourself up to that help but only you can tell yourself to stop being insecure. To start loving yourself. But, it's all easier said than done. This fear creeps in, in so many shapes and forms. If I’m standing in front of a boy trying to tell him that I like him, that fear is right in front of me. I’m standing there all the while trying to look at that boy over the shoulder of this fear and it’s exhausting. Even if a great opportunity has come my way, I almost always have to confront this fear before taking a step forward. This opportunity may have come my way because I am good enough, but the fear of messing up, the fear of not being good enough, the insecurity, is all strong enough to make me think otherwise. Have I admitted defeat to this fear multiple times? Yes, yes I have.
I’m scared of losing my loved ones. “Losing” can be interpreted in so many ways. I can assure you though that I am afraid of every one of those ways. Even just the thought of it, no matter how unlikely it may seem in reality, the thought is all it takes to thoroughly shake me up.
I’m scared of the direction our world is headed in. Religiously blinded governments, impending irreversible climate change, a rampant pandemic, and to top it off, a parochial and patriarchal society in the midst of it all, is just absolutely terrifying. You may argue that I should stop complaining and be the one to move and make a difference. I get that, but I’m guilty. Guilty of being overwhelmed by it all and wanting to hide from the world because I am scared.
I’m scared of death. Be it of someone I’ve crossed paths with, a loved one, or my own. Everything surrounding it absolutely terrifies me. I’ve been watching ‘The Good Place’ recently, which if you haven’t watched, contemplates the existence of a “Good Place” and a “Bad Place” over heaven and hell. A series of choices you make in your corporeal-life determines whether you go to the Good Place or the Bad in your after-life and watching that show made me realise how it isn’t just me, but a lot of us who base a lot of our decisions on how “You only live once” or the fact that we have limited time on here, which is nothing but this impending fear of death, in a way?
I’m scared of rejection, of being talked about, of not doing that exam well, of the choices I’ve made and will make, of going out alone at night and just so much more.
The point is, I’m scared. Absolutely terrified of a lot of things.
But I think. That it's alright.
I think it's ok to be scared.
I think it's what makes us human.
I think it drives us to do a lot of things, good and bad. But I think that’s ok.

This is my brother and I, in quarantine at home. SOCIAL DISTANCING IS SO IMPORTANT PLEASE DO NOT WRITE IT OFF.

I think we need to be reminded that it's ok to be scared of a lot of irrational things. I don’t think you should be ashamed of your fears no matter how trivial they may seem to you. I get that there are bigger things at stake here, bigger fish to fry and whatnot, but what’s the point of it if I am not ok and fettered by these fears.
I get that you can overcome fears. I think it's ok to live with certain fears too, just don’t let them hinder you. Face them, be afraid of them, cry over them, overthink them, heck throw a party with them. Weirdly, I think its time we celebrate our fears.
Let’s come together, mock these fears, laugh at them but I think most importantly, acknowledge them. they’re a part of your life, and that is ok.
I think once we get around to doing these things, there is literally nothing stopping us from moving mountains.
Tell me what you’re afraid of.
If you think no one has got your back, remember I do.
Let’s get to planning that party asap.

Without Wax,

That Indian Blogger